Crypto Chronicles: SBF's Jailhouse Diaries 🚨

- Former FTX CEO's life behind bars: from legal weights to makeshift gym 💪

- WiFi connection lost, much like his credibility 📉

- Jailhouse vegan woes: SBF resorts to peanut butter sandwiches 🥪

- Desperate texts to Caroline fall on deaf ears 📱

- Clean shave for a dirty game, but too little, too late? 🪒

- Suited up but nowhere to hide 🕴️

- In this game, there's no respawning like in League of Legends 🎮

*This news flash is a work of fiction and should not be taken literally.