"I have once again lost all my money for food. I have been sitting in a crowded subway in Beijing, working a dull and boring class, and living in a shabby and dirty house. I have persisted for three years and I am really exhausted. Today I told my boss that I have resigned and I plan to return to my hometown and lie down in half a month after handing over my work. I still owe hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and I can't pay it back for a while. The last time I lost money for food, my mother borrowed 1,000 a few months ago, and today she borrowed another 300. I will borrow more after I spend it. It is impossible for me to make a stable profit in my current state. The funny thing is that I have never recognized myself and have always been fantasizing. It's not just my heart that is hurting, my body is also obviously worse and painful. I am 25 years old. I am like a hunchbacked old man without vitality and youth. I don’t know what debt I owed in my previous life that I have to pay back in this life with such torture and pain. Looking at my mother’s red and swollen eyes and vicissitudes of life, it deeply pierces my heart. Now I am a waste in the market, a person without conscience in life, living like a walking corpse, bringing dishonesty to friends, leaving disappointment to my family, and the most hurt is my body and soul. I sold myself to desire, turned tomorrow into gray, and turned life into haze. How I longed to wake up from a sleep when I was a child, ignorant of human affairs, wind and rain, natural everything, but now it is a miserable life with cold wind and rain. "
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