I gave my phone a full health check, and the market started performing CPR on the spot
Lately, I’ve been getting pummeled by one market crash after another, barely able to catch my breath. I suspected something was wrong with this lousy phone’s RAM, and that it was causing my wealth to suffer a stroke right along with it. So I downloaded three phone-diagnostics apps overnight, cleaned out every last junk file, and even turned on extreme power-saving mode. Fully armed, I took a deep breath and tremblingly tapped the order button. But the moment the charts loaded, the line—which had been barely rippling like a stagnant pond—suddenly started convulsing like it had been electrocuted, jerking violently up and down across the screen like a patient hooked up to high voltage. Before I could even figure out which way it was headed, the alarm started screaming. The system declared my position abnormal and forcibly closed it for me. At last, I understood: phone-cleaning apps can clear the cache, but they can’t clear the market using a glitch to physically send me to the afterlife. The big players don’t need any backstage data; their only pastime, around the clock, is waiting for me to fix my phone so they can immediately perform CPR on my loss-ridden account.
Lately, I’ve been getting pummeled by one market crash after another, barely able to catch my breath. I suspected something was wrong with this lousy phone’s RAM, and that it was causing my wealth to suffer a stroke right along with it. So I downloaded three phone-diagnostics apps overnight, cleaned out every last junk file, and even turned on extreme power-saving mode. Fully armed, I took a deep breath and tremblingly tapped the order button. But the moment the charts loaded, the line—which had been barely rippling like a stagnant pond—suddenly started convulsing like it had been electrocuted, jerking violently up and down across the screen like a patient hooked up to high voltage. Before I could even figure out which way it was headed, the alarm started screaming. The system declared my position abnormal and forcibly closed it for me. At last, I understood: phone-cleaning apps can clear the cache, but they can’t clear the market using a glitch to physically send me to the afterlife. The big players don’t need any backstage data; their only pastime, around the clock, is waiting for me to fix my phone so they can immediately perform CPR on my loss-ridden account.