By now, the least important things are my wife, my children, and even myself. I’ve been trading for six years, and I’ve never reflected on myself. The biggest profitable trade I’ve ever made in six years has never exceeded 200 dollars. I’ve had losing trades, but in 2021 I lost thousands of dollars in a single trade. Up to now, I still haven’t made more than 200 dollars in a single trade. If there’s ever a profit, it was while I was asleep and I didn’t see it. I really despise myself. Even though I hand over my entire monthly salary, I still pay the mortgage month after month. And even though most of my losses come from borrowed online loans—this is the second time after 2023 that I’ve taken out an online loan. Every month I have to repay, and I’ve borrowed another 70,000. Right now I have only about 1,800 dollars left. Recently, I was also cheated out of 20,000 by a friend who I’ve known for more than a few years. I still gave her an online-loan repayment, and I didn’t expect that she would not repay me when the term ended. I really feel bad to my wife, my children, and myself. I don’t know what to do anymore. Now this latest thing has again added another 70,000 in online-loan debt. When will I ever be able to pay it all off? Even though I’ve never used my own family-support salary to gamble or mess around—sigh. I’m really useless. A dumb piece of shit. I look down on myself. Getting fooled by others… what am I even living for? After working in a factory for 14 years, you get stupid just doing it. Every day is muddled and mindless—two points in a line, like a dumb machine. There’s never a future in sight. Lately, I often come to a place where nobody is around and repeatedly slap myself in the face.