DOWNTOWN METROPOLIS — In what financial experts are calling "a masterclass in accidental risk management," local resident and self-proclaimed crypto guru Kevin Higgins has officially rebranded his catastrophic portfolio crash into a "strategic, multi-year holding position."

​Higgins, who panic-bought 400 different meme coins at 3:00 AM during a sugar rush in 2024, watched his net worth plummet by 98.7% over the following week. However, after spilling a latte onto his laptop and permanently locking himself out of his exchange account, Higgins revealed his brilliant new thesis to his bewildered family: Diamonds hands aren't a choice; they're a technical limitation.

​"People are calling it a 'devastating financial ruin,' but I call it forced discipline," Higgins stated while eating generic-brand cereal. "While day traders are stressing over charts, I haven’t looked at a candlestick in two years. I am zen. I am decentralized. Mostly because I can't remember my security questions."

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